Breaking free from the past
2018 has so far been a time of deep letting go and reorientating into a new way of being. The lunar eclipse and Blood Moon at the end of January created an opportunity for a new level of healing, which has been demanding that I walk fearlessly into the unknown, that I break free of the stories of my past, which means breaking free of my victim narrative.
When I came onto this earth, my soul made an agreement to come into this body. My original alignment: mind, body and essence. Throughout my life, traumas, whether an earth shattering experience or a succession of imperceptible injury, became stored in my body and mind, which threw this alignment off and my vessel became less and less of a safe place for my spirit to reside. Survival became attaching story to the pain that I felt, because my mind needed to make sense of it. But that only deepened the imprints of pain and grief and turned it into anger, fear, self-judgment, shame and guilt.
Allowing the shadow parts of myself to rule without an outlet for the truth of my emotions took me out of my body and then I couldn’t feel anything, which was a dangerous way to walk this life; harmful to me and harmful to those around me. I either directed the repressed pain at myself or at “them” and it became more difficult to be in connection with myself and with the people I love, which is the essence of this human experience. My throat chakra, my authentic voice, my inner truth and the ability to both listen and communicate this with others is what opens up the road from my head to my heart. I am learning that it is quite possibly the hardest path there is to walk but it is without a doubt the most rewarding.
Fear makes me a victim because I am an animal with the instinct to run to safety. Anger is born out of my ego’s need to direct the pain at a perpetrator who must have caused me to hurt so deeply. Shame and self-judgment follow as the consequences of my ego’s misdirected hate set in and I realize I have become the perpetrator. The seesaw between pride: my ego saying how could this be done to me, pointing fingers at the perpetrator; and self-loathing: lacking self-worth, which comes from an absence of inner knowing.
The thing is, there is always a middle ground, always balance in Truth. There is always something underneath the fear and anger, always grief and an aching heart that yearns for tenderness and recognition, a beautiful heart with a deep capacity to love.
Truth can only be reached when mind, body and spirit come back into alignment. When I connect with my true self, despite how scary all of the layers on top. When I regain my life force that has been draining from my body, re-connect to my power, where Mother Earth and Father Sky unite, revealing my soul purpose. And the only way to get to my core is through. There is no going around.
Trees teach me so much. They show me that a combination of firmness and flexibility are the key to survival. If I stay in victim, self-protective mode, my body becomes held and rigid, my roots grip back into myself and I have no ground from which to receive life. Without trusting source and the life-giving energy of the sun, my trunks and branches break at any sign of changing winds and my tree falls into disease. I need strong, firmly planted roots to allow for growth in relation to my environment.
Nature teaches me about balance: humbly absorbing the gifts that are unconditionally there for me to receive and effortlessly offering back my gratitude. When I find balance within my own tree, I awaken to the truth that there is no victim with the need to be fearful and no perpetrator to be afraid of. I am both victim and perpetrator, all of us are. Humility, really truly feeling it in my heart, brings a sense of accountability to compassion, seeing my own perpetrator moments not from a place of self-hate but from understanding and love. Every one of us on this planet is navigating our earth-bound journey in our own right, living out our soul’s contract with the resources we are able to draw on in each moment. We are all in it together. This is what it means to be human.
For me, exploring nature’s guidance to balance on my yoga mat by accessing the elements within my own earth is showing me the path back to myself. After the death of each practice, I emerge one layer lighter, from a stronger place inside, with a softer and more vulnerable surface to give and receive and share with each being whose path I cross.
May I ride the waves and allow my deep waters to wash away my fears. Let my waters, my inner resources, nourish my seeds of intention so I can rise-up, grow in strength up toward Father Sky with my branches to receive light, dispelling the darkness within and sparking my fire deep within my core to melt away my sorrows. Let the raw truth of my pain nurture new growth, transforming the songs of my soul into mirrors of self-discovery. From a rooted and centered place of truth, may I blossom into the most authentic expression of myself, opening my heart to myself and to the world.
The goal this month has been to allow everything to unfold as a flower unfolds into full bloom from a bud. Everything I need to know is already within me if I just dig deep enough to reveal the treasure that lies at my core.